Study Reveals Benefits of Eating Mandrakes

reported by BNP via the Genesis Review

Mandrakes are in high demand since a recent report was released announcing their unique merits. A group of scientists, funded by the nutritional supplement company People Want Miracle Cures (more conveniently known as the PWMC), has published data showing that fruit flies eating only rotting mandrakes have higher rates of reproduction than those fed only bread and water.

There was also evidence suggesting that the fruit flies eating mandrakes had lower rates of cancer, could solve calculus problems more quickly, and could leap tall buildings with a single flap of the wings.

Previously thought to be just an ugly, invasive weed in wheat fields, the plant got new attention when women began taking it to increase fertility. Based on this, PWMC sought out some unemployed researchers to run experiments that could verify the plant’s extraordinary properties. Accounts that the plant’s derivatives are hallucinogenic are dismissed by PWMC as unscientific anecdotes growing out of superstitious rumors.

With mandrake use now approved by the Magnanimous Central Government’s Department of Who Grows What When (DOWGWW), farmer’s are competing for approval to plant the very profitable crop. They are well aware that the window of opportunity may be short. Already, husbands of women taking mandrakes are forming support groups. They are exchanging ideas about how to discourage mandrake consumption.

One of the first to head up such a group, Jacob Isaacson, owner of Jacob’s Sheep & Goats, has been very vocal about the turmoil that mandrake usage has caused in his household. PWMC says Mr. Isaacson’s family troubles stem from taking two sisters as his wives, and has nothing to do with mandrakes.