[Week 43 of 52 Weeks to a Better Relationship With Your Child]
Last year I was driving the 35 mph speed limit on our narrow, winding road, when another car drove up close behind me. The driver continued to follow so closely that I couldn’t even see the front of his car. We were both in smallish sedan type vehicles, so there was nothing about my vehicle to make seeing his car difficult. When I looked into my rearview mirror, the antagonistic expressions on both the driver’s and his female passenger’s faces filled my mirror.
I gently slowed down, so that either he would admit he was following too close for comfort or he could go ahead and pass. There was a clear view for passing, especially with me going so slow. Instead, he drove up to within inches of my back bumper.
Pulling slightly to the side, I came to a complete stop, to make passing as easy as possible. I was relieved when he zoomed past, but only for about two seconds. He immediately pulled right in front of me, slammed on his brakes and sat there glaring at me through his rearview mirror.
I chose to casually look at something else. I saw no point in giving him any indication that he was bothering me. I wondered how long he would sit there, seeing as he had been in such a hurry and all. A few moments later, he waved his whole arm out of his window in order to make an obscene gesture. Then he revved up to continue down the road.
Although it is disconcerting to have such an encounter, there was also a lesson in it. The frustration that the other driver was expressing was completely of his own making! He had chosen to be impatient and he had chosen to be offended at a reasonable option to his perceived problem. However, he was never going to be happy with any outcome, because feeling frustrated at others gave him an excuse for avoiding his own role in things.
Sometimes frustration, or at least initial feelings of frustration, are reasonable. Like if you are finally getting ready to go for your once a week walk-visit with a friend, but your child throws up all over the living room carpet because – as she admits later – she snuck in and ate a full bag of chocolate chips. Then some exasperation is well-founded. Or if you find your three year-old with scissors “helping” with a complicated embroidery project that you have just spent a year on, some agony of mind and heart is no sign of failure on your part.
But a parent should do two things with frustration:
- Decide how to proceed from that initial response
- Evaluate what the frustration is signaling
In the scenario with the scissors and embroidery it was easier to know what to do. It was obvious the child was naively taking part and there was no malicious intent, as could be told by the angelic smile on her face when she presented it to me. Also, I either needed to supervise the three-year-old more closely or not leave scissors and my embroidery project at three-year-old access level.
For the situation with the throwing up, the first priorities were to tend to the sick child and deal with cleaning. And I had to admit that even if there were poor choices that we could address, caring for my children was a higher priority than a walk. If the current circumstances made caring for a child something that needed to be handled at that moment, then that was what needed to be done. Being frustrated that I had to make decisions based on my priorities was fairly counterproductive.
There are many reasons that parents get frustrated with children. In some ways the reasons may be legitimate, but usually there is a deeper aspect of what causes the frustration that a parent can and should address. It may be hard to hear, but if a parent is frustrated with a child, it is the parent’s responsibility.
There may be things the child should be taught or consequences that the child should appropriately endure, but the parent’s frustration is not the child’s problem. While a child is under the care of a parent, the parent, well, needs to be the adult in the relationship.
Here are some reasons parents get frustrated:
- Children are acting like children.
- Children do not yet have the skills or insight to deal with things like a wise adult.
- Children are inconveniencing their parents.
- Parents are tired.
- Children do not yet have the physical capability for something a parent wants them to do.
- Parents would rather be doing something else.
- Parents are embarrassed.
- Children don’t have the same priorities as their parents.
- Parents have not settled on or communicated well about how children should behave in certain situations.
- Stuff happens.
- Parents are having difficulty problem solving how to deal with something in particular.
- Social and governmental pressures that complicate life.
- Child made a mistake.
- Parent made a mistake.
- Children are testing parent’s resolve on a decision.
I listed #1 first because I used to play a game with myself when I felt frustrated with my children. In my head I would say to them, “Why are you acting like children?!” And then I would laugh at myself.
They weren’t acting like children because they weren’t given enough encouragement and direction. It wasn’t that they were completely lacking in love and respect for me. Neither were they doing whatever they wanted all day. Though they had lots of play time, we also had routines that they abided by, chores they helped with, and conversations that were both polite and meaningful. But they were still children.
Children need regular supervision. They make messes, sometimes creatively. They sometimes literally climb the walls for fun. My children sometimes carved their names on furniture when they thought no one was looking and for some reason thought no one would never see it. They hurt themselves doing questionable things. They broke things due to childish decisions.
I recognized early on that my feelings of frustration could actually help me problem solve. If I felt frustrated it probably meant something needed to change. Or, as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention. And I was the mother.
Some people resolve frustration by all together avoiding the things causing frustration, but that is a very short term way of thinking. People who do that miss opportunities and limit their own learning.
I have heard many people say they “can’t homeschool” because it would be too frustrating. They may not put it in those exact words, but that is what they mean. They use more noble sounding language, but what it usually comes down to is that they think they would be frustrated by things like:
- spending so much time with their children
- their children’s behavior
- the social stigma
- not having time to do what they want
- not having a vocation that is admired
Some people come right out and say less noble things, apparently thinking that truthfulness about faults makes the fault a virtue:
- my children and I would be at each other’s throats all day
- I don’t have the self-discipline to take care of my children all day
- why would I give up free, all day babysitting?
I wonder if they ever realize afterward what a sorry picture they paint of themselves, that they don’t want to put effort into something so important, that they want to forego the time with their children, that they are more concerned with their short-term comfort than the long-term benefits to their children and family.
I think many of them refuse to think of it beyond a shallow level because to do so would make them feel uncomfortable with their decisions. So instead, they have to find ways to demean those who do dedicate their waking hours to spending time with their children. Like the driver who was tailgating me, if the frustration can be blamed on other people somehow, then it can be translated into self-righteous indignation instead of seeing the situation for what it really is.
Many inventions would have been missed if avoiding any frustration was the main goal of the inventor. Much beautiful music would never be played if musicians got bogged down in the frustration of practicing, instead of looking forward to the music that can be played. Frustration needs to be harnessed as motivation for better results.
Our children are much more important than cars or songs. As parents, we need to be ready to put frustration in its place. It does not need to rule our days or cause despair. Whether we take it by the horns or shake it off our back, we can use it for making our lives and our children’s live better.
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For a list of each post in the 52 Weeks to a Better Relationship With Your Child series click here.
